Ramblings of a Thankful Heart...

So over the past few days, my mind has been rambling with an over abundance of thoughts. I have just had a lot on my mind and I have been overwhelmed with feelings all over the spectrum from gratefulness, to love, to fear, and everywhere in between. I realize that life is complex, and that everyone has their good days and bad, their ups and their downs, their celebrations and their mourning's. I'm not going to lie, since losing Jason, and then Brenda, and now dealing with Gary's fight against cancer, there are many times when I am racked with fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everyone I love. I mean at first you think cancer is just something that happens to other people...until it happens to someone you love. To your family. It's almost still incomprehensible to me to this day. Then you think, ok, our family has had their fair share of cancer and BAM...here is another family member plagued by this horrible monster of a disease. Really?!? It seems as if right then and there, everything you thought you knew about life is jerked right out from beneath the legs that once kept you grounded. All of a sudden, you see cancer for what it really is. It is a disease that does not discriminate. It doesn't care if you are young or old, white or black, rich or poor, a good person or a bad person. It doesn't care what kind of car you drive, or how big of a house you have. It doesn't care. Period. And when you come to that realization, it sets off a whole chain of fears and anxieties that you never thought of before. It starts to make you grasp onto life and loved ones like never before, wondering if you will live to see them grow up, and if they will live to grow old. Let me just tell those of you who don't know...that way of thinking can be enough to drive you mad. This is not to be a pity party, because let me tell you, of the ones who actually deserve to be pitied..they never would have let you do that. They fought hard and long and gave everything they had, even when they had nothing left to give. They didn't complain or simply give up. They kept going and going, until God said no more. But these thoughts...these fears...they are real. The one thing I can say is that without a doubt, I can honestly say that throughout this I have never once doubted God. I know that may be hard to understand, but He is the one and only constant and unchanging thing in my life. Without Him I don't know how any of us would have ever made it through any of this and still be standing. He is the one that I can count on to give me peace when I am anxious. There are so many questions I have about Jason's cancer that will never be answered, and I have to live with that. At the same time, I know that God's word says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...". This verse alone answers all the unanswered questions I have. I will never understand or know why this happened to Jason. And as much as I want answers, there are none. So...what do I do when my mind starts to go to that dark place and all I can see is my loved ones slipping away one by one? I take a deep breath (or two or three), I look around me, and I start to count my blessings. I thank God for my beautiful sweet healthy children that I get to spend everyday with. I thank Him for my husband who works so hard to support us and who loves his family like no other. I thank Him for my parents and in-laws who are always, always there for us. I thank Him for being with us during Gary's battle with cancer. I realize that through all the bad in life, life is still beautiful. And as I continue to thank Him for my blessings, which are much more that I could ever deserve, the fear and anxiety slowly starts to leave my body and I feel a sense of peace and security in that moment that only He can provide...even if just for a second. I am writing this on this Thanksgiving Eve and 3 days before Jason's 6 years of not being on this earth to let you know that no matter how bad things may seem and no matter what battles you may be facing, there is always something to be thankful for. In the darkest days it's hard to see that there will be light again. You will go on, you will live again...just differently. I would love to spend a day with Jason again, and I know that one day I will get that chance. No matter how many days pass by, there is not a moment that he is not still a part of my life. Life is precious and it is a gift, and I am thankful for every second of every minute of every hour of every day that I get to spend with my loved ones. This Thanksgiving, it is not lost on me that even through the toughest times, I have much to be thankful for. I am blessed.