Ramblings of a Thankful Heart...

So over the past few days, my mind has been rambling with an over abundance of thoughts. I have just had a lot on my mind and I have been overwhelmed with feelings all over the spectrum from gratefulness, to love, to fear, and everywhere in between. I realize that life is complex, and that everyone has their good days and bad, their ups and their downs, their celebrations and their mourning's. I'm not going to lie, since losing Jason, and then Brenda, and now dealing with Gary's fight against cancer, there are many times when I am racked with fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everyone I love. I mean at first you think cancer is just something that happens to other people...until it happens to someone you love. To your family. It's almost still incomprehensible to me to this day. Then you think, ok, our family has had their fair share of cancer and BAM...here is another family member plagued by this horrible monster of a disease. Really?!? It seems as if right then and there, everything you thought you knew about life is jerked right out from beneath the legs that once kept you grounded. All of a sudden, you see cancer for what it really is. It is a disease that does not discriminate. It doesn't care if you are young or old, white or black, rich or poor, a good person or a bad person. It doesn't care what kind of car you drive, or how big of a house you have. It doesn't care. Period. And when you come to that realization, it sets off a whole chain of fears and anxieties that you never thought of before. It starts to make you grasp onto life and loved ones like never before, wondering if you will live to see them grow up, and if they will live to grow old. Let me just tell those of you who don't know...that way of thinking can be enough to drive you mad. This is not to be a pity party, because let me tell you, of the ones who actually deserve to be pitied..they never would have let you do that. They fought hard and long and gave everything they had, even when they had nothing left to give. They didn't complain or simply give up. They kept going and going, until God said no more. But these thoughts...these fears...they are real. The one thing I can say is that without a doubt, I can honestly say that throughout this I have never once doubted God. I know that may be hard to understand, but He is the one and only constant and unchanging thing in my life. Without Him I don't know how any of us would have ever made it through any of this and still be standing. He is the one that I can count on to give me peace when I am anxious. There are so many questions I have about Jason's cancer that will never be answered, and I have to live with that. At the same time, I know that God's word says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...". This verse alone answers all the unanswered questions I have. I will never understand or know why this happened to Jason. And as much as I want answers, there are none. So...what do I do when my mind starts to go to that dark place and all I can see is my loved ones slipping away one by one? I take a deep breath (or two or three), I look around me, and I start to count my blessings. I thank God for my beautiful sweet healthy children that I get to spend everyday with. I thank Him for my husband who works so hard to support us and who loves his family like no other. I thank Him for my parents and in-laws who are always, always there for us. I thank Him for being with us during Gary's battle with cancer. I realize that through all the bad in life, life is still beautiful. And as I continue to thank Him for my blessings, which are much more that I could ever deserve, the fear and anxiety slowly starts to leave my body and I feel a sense of peace and security in that moment that only He can provide...even if just for a second. I am writing this on this Thanksgiving Eve and 3 days before Jason's 6 years of not being on this earth to let you know that no matter how bad things may seem and no matter what battles you may be facing, there is always something to be thankful for. In the darkest days it's hard to see that there will be light again. You will go on, you will live again...just differently. I would love to spend a day with Jason again, and I know that one day I will get that chance. No matter how many days pass by, there is not a moment that he is not still a part of my life. Life is precious and it is a gift, and I am thankful for every second of every minute of every hour of every day that I get to spend with my loved ones. This Thanksgiving, it is not lost on me that even through the toughest times, I have much to be thankful for. I am blessed.

A Heavy Heart...

Why? I have so many questions running through my head and absolutely no answers. Why should a parent lose their infant suddenly? Why should a child have to suffer through cancer? Why should a parent have to watch their child suffer and then lose them? All I know is it makes me so thankful for each day my children are here with me and healthy and it also scares me to death. I know that any one of these things can happen to anyone at anytime and we will never understand why. I have faith in God that he is in control and I have to just except that I may never know why these things happen. I am reminded everyday to love my children and truly soak it all in, because we never know how long we will have them. I have learned that life is NOT fair. Just some things on my mind tonight as two different families (and I'm sure many more) are going through the hardest time in their life as they say goodbye too soon to their children. My heart is literally heavy and my breath taken away in sorrow for these families. Please say a prayer tonight that God will give them peace, comfort, and healing as only He can.

To Ava, With Love

To my sweetest Ava:

I can not believe you are TWO years old!! Time has flown by and I have loved every minute. You are the sweetest most lovable little girl. You love to give hugs and kisses. You can be a little stinker at times; you definitely pinch, hit, punch, etc. a lot more than your sister ever did. I like to say that you are sweet & sour. :)  You are always quick to say you're sorry though, but we are not sure how genuine it is. You love love love your sissy. You always want to know where Ella is, and you always want to be there. You want to be just like her and I love watching you two play together. You are talking more than ever, and I don't think there is anything you can't say. You love your baths and you even help to wash yourself. You are a wonderful sleeper but you have to have your stuffed animals in your bed and lined up just right. Rabbit, Barney, Elmo, & penguin are just a few of your favorites. You have added so much joy to our lives and definitely keep us entertained! I don't know what we ever did without you! Happy 2nd Birthday Ava...We love you!!!

Ava & her best friend Jackson Jack Jack

Ella waiting on the party to start

                                                     

Making a Whirlpool ;)

                                                        

Ella & her besties

                                                            

Opening presents!

                                         

Guess who's back?

So...I'm back! I've decided to get back to blogging mainly for the reason of one day looking back and having a journal of our life as a family and all the milestones of my girls. It really doesn't matter if I have 2 followers or none because I'm doing this for me to record memories. I would love to have readers who enjoy the blog, but if not, I will continue to blog, if only for myself. Soooo with that said, I'm excited to be back to blogging although I'm not sure If I ever started..haha. Stay tuned!

A few words...

   November 30th made it two years since my brother passed away. As I was looking through some stuff I came across this poem I wrote to him when he was in his first couple of months after diagnosis. I never could find the right time to give it to him, but I did share it with my mom and I think she gave to him in a card quite some time later. I found it and it reminded me of how unfair cancer is and how much it sucked and still sucks that he had to go through this and ultimately give his life. He handled it with such bravery and fought it every step of the way with 100 percent of everything he had. He worked up until the last few months and never complained. Just thought I'd share this with you.

 

 

I often sit and think about, is this really real?

And then I start to think about how you must feel.

Do you ever wonder why you and not me?

I do everyday, but I still cannot see.

I thought this was something that happened to others.

It happened to "them", but not to MY brother.

So now that it's here, what does it mean?

Maybe it's different and not what it seems.

Will you be sick, will you lose your hair?

Will you even feel well enough to care?

Can I be happy on days you feel bad,

or should I feel guilty? This all makes me mad!

Why did it pick you to endure and suffer?

Even with faith, each day seems to get tougher.

I hate that you're sick and beginning to feel down.

I wish that when I saw you, my words would come around.

If I could, I'd tell you everything that I've thought,

But can I offer wise words in a war I've not fought?

It seems like my words would just be words.

Could I really say something you haven't already heard?

But there are things that I know to be true,

I wish there was something more I could do.

If I could I would chase this monster away,

and I'd guard your life from it every day.

I'd tell you I love you and I always will

and then I'd think about how you must feel.

 

   We never talked about the cancer that much and I never had a chance to talk to him about how he felt. I wish I knew now.

How Long Will I Remember Him??

For those of you who don't know, I lost my brother to brain cancer in November of 2008. I think about him ALL the time, and although life does go on...I will always carry a little sadness with me. I often find myself thinking of him late at night when I'm laying in bed NOT sleeping( yes, I suffer from insomnia) and sometimes I wonder...how long will I remember? Will there come a day when I can no longer recall? I hope not. But for now I figured why not write down some memories just in case. So here are just some of the things I remember about Jason...


I remember his smile


I remember his voice


I remember his laugh, and how it would get high pitched the harder he laughed


I remember how his laugh was contagious


I remember how he was always the life of the party and always kept others laughing


I remember how dedicated he was to providing a good life for his family


I remember how he loved Caleb and Tiff


I remember how he'd drop everything to help anyone, anytime


I remember how he'd "scratch" his throat with that awful noise when he ate raw fruit =)


I remember how he loved sweet tea


I remember that he loved to watch Survivor


I remember how much of a neat freak he was and how organized he kept his things


I remember the way he walked


I remember the way he hated to waste money or food and would eat the leftover's just to avoid throwing any food away =)


I remember when growing up, how he always picked on me...as all good big brothers do


I remember that he gave a 100% at everything in life


I remember that he always worked hard and never complained, even when he was fighting cancer and sicker than ever


I remember that he was the most funny, loving, hard-working, bravest man I'll ever know


 I am so afraid I will one day think back and not be able to remember something about him, but there is one thing I will NEVER forget, and that is who he was. Jason Christopher McConnell; a great husband, father, son, brother, and friend. Many people loved him, and many people miss him. That is how he lives on.

Look Out Panthers...Here I Come!

  So I'm about a week late, but I had to share about Ella's first day of school. It is a day I will never forget. A day of joy and sadness all rolled into one. So this is how it went:

            I woke up extra early to make sure that everything was in order and would flow smoothly for Ella's first day of preschool. I don't know if that upset feeling in my stomach was me being more nervous for her, me, or both. I woke her up and she was already so excited to go to school. On her first day, the plan was to take her to school, eat breakfast with her, and then leave. We talked it over with her so that she would know what to expect. I explained to her that Mommy's and Daddy's could not stay at school and that I would be back to pick her up after lunch. (We are only sending her for half days, seeing as though they really only nap in the afternoons) So as we arrived at school, her smile was contagious. She was so ready to be at school. We went in and put her backpack away and ventured through the classroom, taking it all in. Everything was still going good. We then walked to the cafeteria, and as she sat to eat breakfast, here came the tears. Just little ones, though, no meltdowns. =) She was upset and did not want daddy and me to leave. I assured her that we were not leaving until after breakfast and that seemed to calm her nerves. So we finished breakfast and then headed to the playground. That was right up her alley! She loves to be outside. As she was looking around, she was stuck to me like glue, and I really thought that at any moment I might lose it. I was so worried that if I let the tears start, there would be no holding it back.

         So here was the big moment..time for us to leave our baby girl, who seemed way to little to be left, and let her go. I know this sounds overly dramatic, but come on, this is a HUGE deal! We have sheltered her and protected her for 4 years, and now I have to trust someone else to take care of her as I would, to love her as I would, and to praise her as I would. I lead her to her teacher and gave her a hug and kiss and told her I would be back in a couple of hours, and just when I thought all heck would break loose, she said "okay mommy" and smiled and walked away. I think God knew I needed that. In amazement, I looked at my husband and said "Let's go!" I held it together until the parking lot and then let it out, and after a good little cry, it was all better.
  
     It couldn't have gone any better. She was filled with wonder as she started her day and was so enthused to be a preschooler! She was all smiles, and although you could see that she was a bit scared, she put on her big girl pants and faced the unknown. When I arrived to pick her up, she was so excited to tell me all about it. We took home her first preschool art. It was a picture of a big dinosaur that she had painted blue. It was beautiful if I must say so. ;)  We left the school hand in hand as she exclaimed " I loved it!"

Just a little something that came to me...

Little Lessons

A mother's job may be the hardest it seems;

to figure out life's mysteries and what they all mean.

How can your baby so tiny, sweet, and new,

in a blink be four years old, and know much more than you?

Or so it seems she does; she seems wise beyond her days,

she knows that every second of everyday is the perfect time for play.

The perfect time to love and the perfect time to share;

no, fear is not a friend of hers, she's not afraid to care.

She doesn't know what loss feels like; this I'm grateful for,

she puts her all in everything and welcomes what's in store.

So I guess as her mother I should take notes and learn from it,

and enjoy every day we are given right down to the last minute.

Yes, it's hard as a mother, to watch your child grow so fast;

but take it all in, soak it all up, and make these memories last.

She won't be little for long; each day cannot be redone,

so make time count, and do it right, and don't forget to have fun.

~KEaves 08.17.2010~

Well..here goes nothing..

      So..here I am..officially becoming a blogger. Yay! I have been following a couple of blogs for the past few months, and I have come to realize I really enjoy reading them. I decided I should give this a try. I have so many hilarious and unexpected things happen daily with a four year old and a new baby, and I thought, why not write about it somewhere and share the humor.  : )  I'm not sure how long it will take me to get the hang of this, but I am excited to start.

        So today's funny thing my four year old shared was actually very sweet and something that gave me goose bumps. You know you wonder where kids come up with the things they say and sometimes you just admit defeat and realize there is no explanation other than some magical place called childhood. Ella came up to me today and said " Mama, my God doesn't live in the sky; my God lives in my house and He gives me wings like a butterfly so that I can fly." So matter of factly, she didn't realize the impact of that statement, but I did. God works in funny ways to communicate things to us and I definaetely got a message. God does take care of us, and if we allow Him, He makes it possible for us to achieve the impossible. Things are not always perfect for those who believe in Him, but they are definetly easier when we believe. Knowing that we have Him to lean on and to trust, I know for me, makes things easier to cope with. Well, I didn't mean for this to turn into a sermon..haha..but other than the laugh I got from her thoughts, I also got a reminder of how good God is. Well, that's all for Blog #1! Hope to share more soon~

My Butterfly: Ella

That's what I love about Sundays...

      So I know I'm a day late for Sunday, but I just had to share about our wonderful day. Both of our girls were dedicated to God. It was an amazing service. I couldn't help but be emotional. God has blessed us with two beautiful girls, and to commit to raise them to live for Him is something I take very seriously. I want both of my girls to live as God wants them to. I want them to treat others kindly, to stand up for what they believe, and to teach others about Jesus. I want them to care about others and to help those in need. So as I think about what this dedication really means, I realize that I am raising the standard that I need to live up to. I can not just tell my girls to do these things, but rather I need to be a living example. I need to show them how to love others, how to help others, and how to be a friend. In a nutshell, I have big shoes to fill. I know that in today's times, at least for us, we spoil our girls rotten. They want for nothing and don't know what it's like to go without. And although we enjoy spoiling them, I never want them to grow up to be a self centered person who doesn't have empathy for others. So in addition to all the responsibilities we have as a parent, I have taken on this new commitment to raise Christian girls, and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

     So, after the dedication, we all went back to the house and grilled out burgers. YUM.  Having family there to celebrate with us was great. The rest of the day was spent visiting a couple friends and then swimming until dark. It was a well spent summer day that will forever be remembered. Well, that's all for today. Just wanted to share a little bit of our special Sunday. Hope you all had a great weekend too! Here's to a good week! :)